Unplanned little life

I remember back in high school talking to my friends about our future. Where would we be in 10 years? I think my prediction was I would have been married for a few years, with two kids, maybe one on the way. A full time mom, maybe working part time. Living the white picket fence life with a home, nice cars and enjoying my big happy family!

Well, it is ten years later and here is what my reality is: single mom, college graduate, working full time at a golf course, living in a two bedroom condo, working pay check to pay check, spending most nights taking care of my little one and taking care of our home.

This was not the life I had planned but I wouldn't change a thing! This is my life. My happy little life. These are years I will look back on and tell Addi all about. I will tell her how we lived in the basement of her Papa and Grandma's house for her first year; sharing a small room with all our belongings in it. I will tell her how I dragged her to school with me during my senior year of college, spending hours in the library. I will tell her how I decided to work full time so I could afford our own home, sometimes taking her to work with me. I will tell her how she would fall asleep on the couch at night while I folded laundry and how I would carry her into my bed at night because I wanted to snuggle. I will tell her that no matter how bad my day was, no matter what challenges came my way, that being with her at night made everything okay. I will tell her that my life was incomplete without her and THESE were the best years of my life.

I love my unplanned little life.

xoxo, Alex

Karma

We have all heard it, "What goes around, comes around." Simple. Karma. What you put out into the universe, will come right back to you. Could this be why I had a run in with the old negative energy that used to surround my life in?

I did a lot of thinking this week. I am a true believer in Karma. If I am putting good energy out into the universe, it will circle around and come back to me. If I am putting negative energy out, it will do the same. So what is this negative energy that caught up with me? What have I been sending out that would come back to me this way?

{ Frank Outlaw } "Watch your thoughts, they become your words. Watch your words, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

As I thought about what my thoughts, words and actions had been the last few weeks, I realized I am creating habits of a character I am becoming of a destiny I do not want to end up in. I think the craziness of life has caught up to me: moving, job searching, working, trying to balance family and friends, being a mother.... just life. It has all caught up to me and my soul just needs a cleanse. I need to step back and focus on who I have been, who I am and who I want to be.

{Anne Frank} "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

So I will take Anne Frank's quote personal and implement it into MY world. I don't need to wait a single moment to improve my world. Right here, right now I can become the person I want to be. I can create that positive energy I want to see and feel in this world. For I know if I do so, it will circle around.

{Dalai Lama} Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

xoxo, Alex

Two steps forward...

...two steps back. I thought the past was in the past & I was having a fresh start. I am finally feeling like myself again, comfortable in my own skin and truly happy. I feel safe and content. The blessings are continuing to pour over & I always have a full heart. And than BAM! I go from smiles & laughter to frowns & tears. From feeling safe and comforted to having fear and uneasiness. All it takes is one minute to turn my world upside down. IS THIS MY LIFE? That thought keeps streaming through my mind. IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? What seems like forever is only a short amount of time. And than calm. Now what?

A friend said to me the other day, "Remember, any obstacle is an opportunity if we make it so." And I do believe that EVERY opportunity, whether it be good or bad, gives me a chance to grow as a person to become a better woman and a better mom. Where do I go from here? I feel as though my 'fresh start' has been tainted. The bad energy that I worked so hard to get away from is now surrounding me again. I am lost and feeling hopeless. Good night.

As I wake up to the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, my daughter, I realize my past really had molded me into the woman I am today. I AM OKAY! What would have pulled and tugged on me for days and weeks just gave me rejuvenation and even more strength. I just needed a good night's rest and a clear mind. And what it all comes down to is this... my daughter. She has given me this new found strength and love for life that I never knew I had in me. A bad day really isn't that bad because at the end of the day, I have her. God knew what I needed in life and He sent her to me at the right time.

So, as my friend said, every obstacle is an opportunity if we make it so. This obstacle gave me the opportunity to reflect upon my past...the good and the bad... and helped me to see the blessings I do have in my life. With a clear mind and an open heart, I will continue to grow as a person, a woman and most importantly, a mother.

xoxo, Alex

I love.....me.

{ Eat Pray Love } I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything... If I love you, I will carry you for all your pain. I will assume for you all your debts. I will protect you from your own insecurity. I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself... I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give all this and more, until I get exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated by someone else.

As I have journeyed through life, I have discovered that I consume myself in love. I love to love and I love to be loved. Is this so bad? No. But when the definition of who I am has become lost with who I am with, than yes, this is a problem. I have found that since the age of fifteen, I have been a devoted girlfriend, always going from one boy to the next, giving them my all. All of a sudden, the relationship(s) I have been in have become my identity. I gave up my needs and wants for theirs so that the relationship would grow... so I would be loved. What is that saying... 'You can't fully love someone unless you love yourself first?' Within the last couple of years, I really did lose that self love, which was replaced with the love I had for someone else.

{ Eat Pray Love } So be lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience....

Yes, being a single mom has its lonely times. But these are the times I am going to embrace and love. This is MY time. This is MY time to grow and discover and become the BEST ME I can be. I need this time to really get up close and personal with my soul and build a relationship with this universe. I need this time to to figure out what I really look like and talk like when I am not trying to merge with someone else. This is MY time to discover ME.

xoxo, Alex

Labor of Love

Every Labor Day I am taken back to a day I will never forget. Two years ago, on Labor Day, I found out my life was going to change in the biggest way possible.... I was pregnant.

A week prior, I had picked up a prescription with a label on the side reading, "Do not take if pregnant or suspect of being pregnant. Will cause severe birth defects." Something inside me told me to take a pregnancy test so I kept putting off taking the medication. I woke up Labor Day morning, bright and early, to get ready for work. I had to be there by 8:00am for the big Labor Day BBQ celebration. My inner voice just kept saying, "take a pregnancy test..." So, I grabbed my car keys, went to the store, bought a pregnancy test and rushed home. I really thought it was going to say 'not pregnant' so to my surprise, when the test said 'pregnant,' I was a little shocked. At this point of my life, I was with a man I loved. We had talked about marriage and a family so along with being a little scared for the unknown, I was also excited. I tried to call him but he was playing basketball and did not answer my call. I needed to tell someone so I called the person I tell everything to, my sister. I called and told her the news and she told me to stop by before work. I hurried to get ready and with the test in hand, drove straight to her house. This little 'blessing in disguise' was not planned so the initial reaction was fear. I think it was fear of the unknown. What would he think? What would my family think? Was I ready? What did the future hold? My sister reassured me everything was fine and I went to work.

Two years later and my life just couldn't be better. I feel that my daughter was sent to me at a time I needed her most. I sometimes feel that she does more for me than I do for her. She has given me so much strength and courage and has helped me to be the best person I can be. My life just seemed to improve in all aspects when I found out she was coming. Things weren't planned the way they turned out but they turned out better than I could have ever planned!!

xoxo, Alex

Prayer

Eat Pray Love: {crying} "Hello, God. How are you? I'm Liz. It's nice to meet you. I've always been a fan of your work... I'm sorry to bother you so late at night. But I'm in serious trouble. And I'm sorry I haven't ever spoken directly to you before, but I do hope I have always expressed ample gratitude for all the blessings that you've given me in my life. {sobbing} I am not an expert at praying, as you know. But can you please help me? I am in desperate need of help. I don't know what to do. I need an answer. Please tell me what to do... Please tell me what to do... Please tell me what to do..." {begging & crying.... and than, quite abruptly, it stops. All misery is gone. All alone but not really alone.} {Hearing one's own voice.. Go back to bed Liz}

This excerpt from "Eat Pray Love" really hit home to me. There were countless numbers of times this past year I found myself doing the same thing: crying ... SOBBING ... begging ... PLEADING ... and than the feeling of PEACE. It is one of those things that can not be explained. There is no evidence to why it works or proof that it does. I have always been a spiritual person, still striving to to learn more and gain a better testimony. But there is one thing I can say and that is the POWER of PRAYER is REAL and so AMAZING.

I call Him God. But He also goes by Allah, Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu or Zeus. To be honest, I am sure there are endless names for Him. But to me, he is God, my Heavenly Father. And without Him, I would lost. He works in mysterious ways. But with FAITH and LOVE, I know in my heart and soul that He is listening to my prayers. And with time, they will answered.

Eat Pray Love: "God might want me to be facing that particular challenge for a reason. I feel more comfortable praying for courage to face whatever occurs in my life with equanimity, no matter how things turn out."

STRENGTH and COURAGE... that is what I begged and pleaded for. I know God has the power to change everything. But how we would grow & learn & become better people if we didn't go through trials? So, through it all, I just asked for strength and courage. THIS is why I got through the hardships and trials... THIS is how I survived.

Here is an experience that happened just the other day... just another confirmation that PRAYER is AMAZING:

I graduated last spring but have been unable to find a job with my degree. I am so blessed to have the job I do have, working at Riverside Country Club but I just can't be a food service worker for the rest of my life. I want to use my degree so I can teach people how to live a healthy and happy life. My job hunt has been very very unsuccessful. I have applied for more than fifteen jobs within the last couple of months. Some of these jobs I feel over qualified for, yet I have heard nothing. So, the feelings of frustrations got to me. Not only is this difficult because I know how qualified I am but I also have a daughter who I need to provide for. It is not just a job. This is a roof over my daughter's head and food on the table. This is being able have health insurance so my daughter can have health care. This is me being able to provide the basic necessitates to her. So, the other day, while I was at work, I felt compelled to say a prayer.

My Dear Kind and Gracious Heavenly Father,
As you know, I have been looking for a job for months now and I haven't had any luck. I am getting frustrated and scared and I need you. Please bless me with patience. Please guide me in my daily search and help me to be making the right decisions in my life so I can have a clear mind. Please bless me with strength and courage and help me to be the best mom I can be. I am grateful for all the many blessings in my life and I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

About fifteen minutes later, the Vice President of my work walked in and asked me if I was going to be around next year. I was honest and I told him, "I hope not... I really want to use my degree and am hoping to find something in the health field." He replies, "Well, I wanted to talk to you about the Fitness Director position..."

Thank you, God.

xoxo, Alex

One book ends...

...so another can begin. It is bitter sweet to say this but the first 25 years are said and done, so let the rest of my life begin. The first 25 were amazing and I am so blessed. The memories I will always hold dear to my heart. But I am ready to end that book and begin the next 25, head on. I think I ended the first 25 with a bang, if I say so myself. The last year was, by far, the hardest year of my life. Yet, I grew more during it than any other year. Let me sum it up:

Shortly after I turned 24, I found out I was pregnant. This was also my junior year in college and I was not married. Three years prior, I had fallen in love with a man I thought I would be with forever. But during the pregnancy and the first year of having our little girl, things just didn't work out. So, one year after I had found out I was pregnant, I was 25, a senior in college, a mother of the most beautiful 3 month old and had just lost the man I thought I was going to be with forever. I was a single mom. I was scared, lonely and completely lost. I had to prioritize and I knew that getting through school was the most important thing, for both my daughter and I. So I moved back in with my parents; sharing a small bedroom with my baby girl. I had no idea what the future held. All I knew was I had to graduate! So, I fought through that year. I spent hours in the library, with my daughter by my side. There were many sleepless nights and breakdowns but I did it! April 28, 2010, I graduated from Utah Valley University with a Bachelors of Science in Community Health Education!!! I beat the impossible. Four months later, I moved into a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom condo...a home...our first home. The first book of my life has ended and the second book has just begun.

Life is good...amazing. I have found myself and I am ready, hand in hand with my daughter for our future. Together, we will get through it all.

May this journal be of some inspiration to those who come across it. In life, we stumble upon paths and we won't know why. But with each path, may we all learn and grow and make this world a better place.

xoxo, Alex