Joy

{Am I finally to this point? Am I really this happy for them? What is wrong with me?}

Those were the thoughts I had running through my head today as I drove my daughter and I home. I had gone to the gym after work and her dad was in town, so he picked her up from daycare. When I went to go get her, he told me that he and his fiance were having a boy {I knew they were expecting}. I felt instant joy and excitement followed by complete confusion. Was I really this happy for them? Was I faking it? Can you fake feelings to yourself? No. I was 100%, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, happy for them and my daughter. I got a little excited thinking of what a great big sister she was going to be and how this little person could potentially be her little bodyguard and best friend.

My daughter is 2 and a half. When she was born, her dad and I were still together. Thoughts of marriage were floating around and the future was unknown. Alot happened that first year and we ended things. It was really difficult for me. I thought I had failed my daughter. I had the typical feelings of being the 'ex.' Why was I not good enough for him? Why couldn't we make it work? Then, when I found out he was dating someone, my guards were instantly up. No way would she be around my daughter.

Well, a year and lots of ups and downs later, I think we have overcome the storm. I was not meant to be with my daughters dad. We are in no way compatible and we would've killed each other. But I know our daughter was meant to be here, with both of us. God works in mysterious ways.

I am completely happy in my own life. I have learned to love, LOVE, being single. I am so independent and feel like I can conquer the world. Maybe someday I will settle down; perhaps have a baby or two. But for now, I couldn't be happier that my daughter's dad has found a girl he loves and they are blessing her with a brother.

Feels good to forgive.

xoxo,
Alex

Content

So much has been on my mind lately... where do I begin.

I am happy. I am truly, 100%, couldn't be better, happy where I am in my life. I am healthy, my daughter is healthy. We have a home, a reliable car. I have a good job. I have the ability to continue my education and grow in my professional life. We don't have everything but we have enough. Yes, I have my bad days and things that stress me out but when I sit back and look at my life, this is the happiest I have ever been.

I am so content and comfortable with my life that I wonder.... do I ever want to get married? I really do not know anymore. My entire life, I have envisioned this fairytale wedding. Maybe it is the area I grew up in, but I always thought I would get married in my early twenties and raise a family. I always lived in the future; wanting what I didn't have. I would have a boyfriend but would be living for the possible marriage. Now, when I think of the future, I picture just my daughter and I. I imagine all our holidays together, birthday trips just the two of us. I daydream of buying a little home, perfect for two, with a white picket fence.

I am dating someone right now, that I love. Yes, love. He is so kind, patient & gentle with me. I can talk to him about anything and I feel so safe with him. Do I see a future with him? Possibly.

Is this what contentment feels like? I love working hard and than coming home with my babygirl. I love my alone time. Let me repeat that. I LOVE my alone time. I feel at peace when she is tucked in bed and I can take a bath, read, blog... be completely alone.

I have done a 180! I used to feel the need to always be with someone, especially whoever I was dating. That is probably a huge reason my ex and I didn't work out. I probably suffocated him by always wanting him, needing him, to be with me. Now, I couldn't be happier with being with just me.

Who knows what the future holds. Maybe I will get married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will adopt a baby someday. Maybe I will raise my daughter and when she turns 18 and goes off to college, I will travel the world. Maybe I will go back to school and earn my PHD. Maybe I will continue to fall madly in love with my boyfriend and I will become a bonus mom and have the best bonus kids and maybe even more of my own. The future is so unknown.

But I do know this. I am happy.


xoxo,

Alex

Only 24 hours you say?

My Tuesday:

5:30am: Wake to get ready for work.
6:45am: Wake up daughter & get her ready
7:15am: Rush out the door
7:30am: Drop daughter off at daycare
7:45am: Get to work
3:45pm: Get off work
4:15pm: Get to the gym to workout
5:00pm: Head to daycare
5:15pm: Pick up daughter & head to grocery store.
5:30pm: Grocery Store. Pick up a few items for dinner.
6:00pm: Head home
6:15pm: Get home, carry groceries & daughter up stairs.
6:30pm: Making dinner & being a mom
7:00pm: Eat dinner
7:15pm: Clean up dinner & pick up house.
7:45pm: Tubby time for the daughter
8:15pm: Quiet time with daughter
8:45pm: Lights out (for daughter)
9:00pm: Mom time (shower, clean up house, plan for next day, ect..)

I'm. Tired.

2012 A Go-Go

7 days into the new year & I think I am ready to set a few goals & make a plan for 2012. So, here goes:

{Physical}

I started another blog {witnessfitness2012.blogspot.com} I have set goals on there & will be making a weekly plan to achieve those long term goals which are:

Here are my 2012 'Bringing Sexy Back' Goals:

Starting Weight: (eeeeeek) 180.7

Goal Weight: 135 (I want 130, I think 140 is a definite goal so I will
meet in the middle)

Lbs to lose per week: 2 lbs.

Goal Weight Date: June 1, 2012 (6 months)

Starting Pant Size: 12 (okay...I am pushing 14)

Goal pant size: 6

Size 10 by: February 20, 2012

Size 8 by: April 16, 2012

Size 6 by: June 1, 2012

Starting shirt size: Large-X Large

Goal shirt size: Small

Size L by: February 20, 2012

Size M by: April 16, 2012

Size S by: June 1, 2o12

I would also like to add three other bad items to the Physical list:

No more biting fingernails

No more pulling eyelashes {I know, horrible}

Floss Daily

{Financial}

Live off the 80/20 Rule: {Live off of 80%. Give 10% to God. Give 10% to self (savings)}

No Credit Card Debt

Pay off 1/4 of my student loan.

{Mental}

Read 1 book a month {12 books in a year}

Complete Personal Trainer Certification

Keep CHES {Community Healthy Education Specialist} certification current

Write in journal (blog) weekly (minimum)

{Randoms}

Be prompt to everything

Improve on time management

Learn guitar
Be a better friend, coworker, sister daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, citizen, auntie and most importantly, MAMA!

{Spiritual}

Pray daily

Read Scriptures

Attend Church

Meditate

There is more I want to accomplish this year but that is a good base. The skys are the limits. 2011 was a hard, crazy, blessed & wonderful year! I look forward to the challenges this year, I am excited for the memories, and I hope at the end of the year I can look in the mirror and say,

"I became a better person in 2012."

xoxo,

Alex

An Unexpected Friendship

{My daughter at 1 week old, being held by myself and her dad.}

{text conversation with my daughter's dad}

Me: I ask Addi, "what do you want to do tomorrow?" She usually says "Go Robin's." {that is her sitter} but tonight she said, "Go Daddy's"

Him: Lol. That's my girl! You are doing a great job raising her. Makes me happy.

Me: Thank you. She is the greatest gift anyone could give me, so thank you.

Him: At least I did something right. Lol.

Me: Haha. Maybe we weren't meant to be together but she was definitely meant to be with us. See.... our crazy relationship was all worth it. (:

Him: You're right! Well said.

This conversation made me tear up a little. I am so proud of us that we are finally getting to this point. All I have ever wanted was to raise my daughter with her dad. At first, I thought we had to be together to do it. When that wasn't an option, I had a hard time accepting that we would raise her in-- what I thought at the time was-- a broken family. Now, I couldn't be happier to be raising her, with her dad, in our own homes. She will have a 'bonus mom/dad' someday {I don't like the term 'step'}. And she is going to have siblings. She will spend some holidays with me & some with her dad. We will do things separately and somethings together. But most importantly, my daughter will be loved from all of her family... no matter how we grow.

xoxo,

Alex

Im Stuck in Between 2011 & 2012

It is day 3 into the new year & I have yet to write down my goals. I have subconsciously been avoiding it. I feel like once they are written, they are set in stone. It is either accomplish each goal or fail (I fear failure). So I have been thinking about why I have not been able to achieve some of my goals lately & this is what I have come to:

I am an "all or nothing" girl. I am either 100% or 0%. If I want to lose weight, I need to do a crazy diet & exercise daily or not do anything at all. If I want to keep a clean home, I need to scrub all day, everyday, or my house will be considered a mess. You catch my drift? What I have realized is I HAVE A HARD TIME BALANCING MY LIFE. AHHHH! I need to find a happy medium.

Also, I am the best at setting a goal! But one mistake I have made in the past is I have not implemented a plan into how I would achieve these goals. I came across this saying today and it has been on my mind:

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

This makes complete sense! I have been setting goals for years, 'wishing' they would come true, without making a plan.

So 2012, it is all about balancing my life & planning how I will achieve my goals. I will also work on setting attainable goals. Baby steps.

I feel a sense of relief & I think I am ready to set this goals and get 2012 rolling.

xoxo,

Alex

Ps. Goals to come in the next post. (:

Say What You Feel

I was about to make this blog private (along with my other blogs) because someone had read some of the blog & didn't like it. My initial reaction was to make it private but than I remembered my favorite quote:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." {Dr. Seuss}

This is my blog. This is an outlet for me to express myself & how I feel. I mean no harm to anyone. This is my history. It can be raw at times and the truth may hurt. But that is what this is; the truth. This is me.

I want to continue to write and keep this blog open, as I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason. If I can be of any inspiration or if anyone could be inspirational to me, than I feel this blog has served more than it's purpose.

Below I wrote about family and expressed my feelings on my family dynamic. What I wrote was my true and honest feelings. It was my reality. Life evolves and my family dynamic is growing and shaping with each day. I am happy to say that at this moment in my life, I feel like my family is exactly what it is supposed to be. I didn't take the easiest route & when it comes to my daughter, this is not what I had planned....it is even better. I have the greatest family. I have the best of friends. I am dating an amazing man. And I am building a friendship with my daughter's dad that I thought we could never have. We have had a few bumps in the road & I am sure we will have more. But we got through it & it has made both of us better parents. I am grateful for the love he has for my babygirl. I enjoy watching their relationship grow & am comfortable with our family & the way it is shaping. My daughter's dad (my ex) and I dated for years. I grew to love him & hate him & love him all over again. We were not meant to be together but our daughter was meant to be with us. He gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give me. I love him for that.

I love my unplanned little life. It is everything it was supposed to be.

xoxo,

Alex