Family

Family. Is there an exact definition to this? I have been thinking alot about my family lately, both my family I grew up in and my little family I have created. This weekend has really got me thinking and a little emotional.

Today is my mom's 50th Birthday. We got up early this morning and my brother, dad, mom and I went on a tandem bike ride up the canyon. None of us have ever been tandem bike riding and it was really fun. I rode with my brother and we were laughing non stop. One thing with tandem bike riding is that you either trust or learn to trust the other person on the bike. He was in front and I couldn't see ahead so I hoped and prayed he was watching the path. My sister and her girls, sis-in-law and brother and of course, my little girl, were waiting for us with breakfast at a park. We hung out for a little while and than rode back. As I sat around the table I thought about our family. Is this what my Mom thought her reality would be like at 50? Is this the family she wanted? We definitely aren't perfect but through it out, we have all stuck together. I love my family so much and have such great relationships with all of them.

Tomorrow is Father's Day and to be honest, this holiday has become a little bitter sweet. First and foremost, I love my dad with all my heart. This is a day where we get to celebrate him as being our daddy and focus on just that. I couldn't imagine my life without him and I am so grateful he was such an active father. I remember at my high school graduation, he was out of town for business. To be honest, it didn't bother me that he might not be there. But what I didn't realize was how much it would mean to me when I walked off that stage and he was there. He flew back for me. And to this day, when I think back to my graduation, that memory of having my dad there means the most.

As for the bitter sweet part of Father's Day? Well, it is the heartbreak I have for my daughter, who's dad isn't exactly in her life right now. Who does she celebrate on this day? Who does she get to give a card too? When she gets a little older, and they make crafts at school, who will she be making hers for? I know she is only two and I pray to God that things will change and she will have the same experiences I have had growing up with an amazing dad.

However, how lucky am I that I have such great men in my family that have stepped up to the plate to be there for her. Last weekend, my little girl slept at my parent's house because I had to work at 6am on Saturday morning. The plan was that I would come over Friday night after work and tuck her in bed. But when I got there, my dad asked if he could take her to the carnival. I was a little hesitant. My dad... taking a crazy two year old to a carnival... all by himself? He wanted to do it, so off they went. This is something he would've done when I was two and I am so grateful that my little girl has her Papa who will take her to do things.

So I guess the definition of a family is irrelevant when it comes to who makes up a family. Me, my little girl and doggy are the perfect family right now. Who knows how we will grow. More dogs? Maybe a cat? Maybe a dad? Maybe a dad with kids? More kids? As long as we have each other, we have it all.

I love my family!

xoxo, Alex

Destiny

Change your choices and change your world. Change your choices and change your destiny. You have one chance at life-here and now. And you have only this lifetime to get it right.

xoxo, Alex

Pity Party

It has been awhile since I have sat down to write and I wish I could say I have been super busy and just haven't had time. But the truth is, I have been in a little bit of a rut and have needed time to think about life. I needed to step back and reanalyze where I was, where I am going and how I was going to get there. Let me explain:

This year started out great. I set my goals high and I began working on them from the get go. I had organized all aspects of my life and truly felt like if I kept at those goals, everything would fall into place.

First and foremost, I decided to put my spiritual life first and allow that to pave the way. I consider myself spiritual but not necessarily religious. However, I am the type of person that likes structure and I want to raise Addi with a structure of beliefs so I decided this year that my main goal would be to figure out what my beliefs were.

I have always loved and been spiritually uplifted by the LDS church. I was raised in an LDS family but our extent of religion was when we were blessed as infants and baptized at 8 years old. Living in Utah Valley steered both my family and I away from the LDS church because unfortunately, some of the people (most) are judgemental and one minded and I did not want to be that. My family was treated so rudely and judged for not fitting the 'Utah Valley' mold and it made it hard for me to think that this church filled with such un-Christ like people could be the true church.

My parents were so great and allowed my brothers, sister and I to explore our own beliefs and has allowed us to be who we are. Even though we were so harshly judged, I somehow was able to see that the people don't always represent the church in the right way. I always gravitated towards the LDS church. I can't say at this time that I necessarily believe it all but I can say that when I pray, read scriptures and pay my tithing, I feel comforted and am able to see my blessings. So, this is the direction I had decided to work towards this year.

I have been praying and reading scriptures daily and religiously paying my tithing. Through these things, I was trying to build faith that if I continued to do so, I would have those extra blessings. Well.....

* I failed my personal training test I studied SO incredibly hard for, not passing by ONE point.

* I had a fabulous job opportunity that I was interviewing for, passing the first interview and spending 15 + hours and over $50 on the 2nd interview presentation, only to not get it.

* As I pay my tithing, with money I feel I don't have, I still feel stressed and anxious I won't be able to make ends meet.

* My personal life is not where I want it to be, I am not at the weight I was hoping to be at this time and for the most part, my life feels like it is in broken pieces.

After 3 months of truly trying to put God first in my life and putting my whole heart into becoming a better person, I feel like this??? Needless to say, I have been feeling discouraged.

A couple weeks ago, I just gave up for a little bit. I was frustrated, mad and hurt. It felt like the more I was trying, the worse things got. So I just stopped trying... completely. Quit praying, reading scriptures, hesitated to pay my tithing and basically went from putting forth all my effort to being better in all aspects of life to nothing. I just stopped. I knew this wasn't permanent but I just needed a break and time to think and redirect my life. During my 'pity party', I came across an article that brought me to tears and gave me hope. It is an article from about the power of faith and character, from the October 2010 General Conference from the LDS Church. Here are a few things that really hit home to me and were things I NEEDED to hear:

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."

"With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately accordingly to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."

"You are making better progress than you realize. Your struggles are defining character, discipline and confidence in the promises of your Father in Heaven and the Savior as you consistently obey Their commandments."

So, I am done feeling 'sorry' for myself. I am over being mad or frustrated with God and I am reanalyzing and rebooting so I can reinvent myself. The goals I set for myself this year were for the entire year. 3 months down and 9 to go! Time is on my side and I think this 2 week 'pity party' has helped me to revamp!!

xoxo, Alex

Having a Little Faith

So far, this year has been all about faith and right now, I feel like I am being tested. I feel as though my faith is being put through the ringer and at times, my fingers are starting to lose their grip.

The past couple of years have been rough but also were some of my best learning years. One thing I really have learned is that I can't do this thing called life without God. So this year, I decided to put it all on Him. I have made it a daily habit to pray and read scriptures. As I do these things, I also try to be a good person to all of those who surround me. I am truly trying to be a better person each day and rely on my Heavenly Father. I feel so blessed and constantly have daily reminders of how lucky I am. However, as I strive to accomplish some of my goals, things that will better my life so I can provide for my daughter and also be of service to others, I feel like my patience is being tested. I am having to turn to faith and am putting everything I have into it.

I have been applying to jobs, even interviewing for one, and I have had no luck thus far. I have put a lot of time and effort in becoming certified as a personal trainer, being prayerful as I study. I took the exam the other day, and I failed by 1 point. I am not getting enough hours at work and for the first time since I moved Addi and I into our first home in August, I am scared that I won't be able to make ends meet this month. I have changed the way I eat completely and am trying to exercise regularly, in hopes to build more confidence and get back to my old self. Yet, I have seen little results.

And as I work on all of these things, I have been very prayerful and striving to be close to God. Do I feel like my prayers aren't being answered? Oddly enough, no. Even though I have not achieved things I thought I would by now and even though I am unsure how I will put the pieces together this month, I feel comfort and have complete faith that if I continue strive to be close with God, I just know that somehow, someway, my prayers will be answered and my reliance on faith will bring many blessings.

So as I start a new day and week tomorrow, I am going to continue the things I am doing, while improving on things I know I can do better. My faith is truly being tested but through these trials, I know I will become a stronger person and my prayers will be answered.

xoxo, Alex

Forgiveness

So today I witnessed something that I NEVER want to see in my future...

I was at the police station for work and a young mom and her 3 year old daughter were there waiting on an officer to fill out custody papers. Apparently, the mom and the dad meet at the city center to swap their little girl. If one doesn't show up, the other can go get a police report filled out so they have proof when fighting for custody. So, as they were waiting the little girl kept asking, "Mom, can we go?" The mom replied, "No, we are waiting for the officer." The little girl was confused, "No, we are waiting for my Daddy." The mom, who was obviously bitter, did not even try to hide the negativity and said, "No, your dad didn't show up again. he never does." The little girl is only 3 years old but even I could sense the disappointed in her eyes. I was sad for her.

Watching this happen made me think of my situation. I sometimes worry that Addi will already have issues since her mom and dad aren't married. There is not a chance that I will EVER let her hear me talk negatively about her dad. Honestly, there has been times where I was hurt or frustrated but for Addi, especially since we aren't together as a family, I need her to only feel love from both sides. Just like any other mom, I will do my best to protect her from ANY kind of harm or sadness. I hope those battles will be aimed towards a few broken hearts from boys or silly fights with her friends.... not from me or her dad.

This little girl touched my heart today. I saw a glimpse of what Addi's future could be if I don't learn to forgive. I have been through a lot and at times, my heart still feels heavy. But for Addi, i will continue to work on forgiveness. Nothing in this world would break my heart more if I saw Addi's breaking.

Faith

{Matthew 9: 22} ...Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.

I have come to realize that I can't do this thing we call life on my own. I am learning to rely a lot on God, through the good and the bad. I would not consider myself religious but I am very spiritual. When I need comfort or answers, I turn to prayer or scripture, being the Bible and the Book of Mormon. I also have felt blessed as I have paid tithing but as times get hard, putting a check in an envelope for tithing, knowing that the amount could pay a bill or two, can be trying at times. This morning was one of those times where I was feeling anxious about things so I decided to read some scriptures and say a prayer for inspiration and/or comfort.

Since I graduated, I have had a hard time finding work. I have had part time jobs but nothing full time. I have been able to make ends meet but since I just lost one of my part time jobs, I am getting a little bit nervous. I recently applied for 2 jobs that would really job start my career and would allow me to support myself and my daughter. The applications have been turned in so now it is just a waiting game. With this economy, I know there is a lot of competition for jobs and I guess you can say, I am not feeling very confident. I do feel very qualified, maybe overly qualified, but with politics and other factors, I know that doesn't always mean anything.

As feelings of anxiousness consumed me this morning, I opened up my scriptures, in hopes of inspiration. I was just skimming pages, reading highlighted lines. I opened it up to Matthew 9:25 and read, "...Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole." I read that over a few times and started skimming other pages. I happened to turn to the Book of Mormon next.

{Ether 12:6} And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of faith.

I was inspired. I was comforted. I need to have more faith in situations and know that if I am relying on God full heartedly, things will work out the way they are supposed to.

xoxo, Alex

Prayer

{ Prayer } As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father , and we are his children), than at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part. Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is the highest of all blessings. -Bible Dictionary Prayer (pg 752-753)

I love this. I have come to realize that I can't do anything without God. Through times of good and times of bad, I am either asking Him for help or thanking Him for all that I have. I am still trying to figure out who I am spiritually but the relationship I have with God is one that I can't live without. Growing up, you learn the motions of prayer. From my experience, I don't think I actually grasped the idea of it till I was an adult; till I was at my worst times; till I was completely lost. And at those times, I turned to prayer. My faith grew immediately when the smallest of blessings would start to surround me. When all of a sudden I could go from feeling anxious and scared to calm and comforted. I knew God was listening and was willing to grant me those blessings... it was like He was just waiting for me to ask.

There have been multiple times where I have prayed and asked for something that didn't come. Now, I look back and realize that God sees the bigger picture. He was always there for me, guiding me through the tough times. Some of those unanswered prayers I can now see have been answered. I just needed time and clarity to see them.

Thank you God.

xoxo, Alex

EnJoY tHe rIdE

{Don't wait around for your life to happen to you. Find something that makes you happy and do it. Everything else is just background noise.} -a quote from the show 24

This year, I didn't rush to set my new goals for 2011. I lived the first week of it, really got a feel of what I wanted, who I wanted to become and now I am ready to set those goals. 2011 is all about ENJOYING THE RIDE. I was spending time with my brother, sister and niece this week and I really needed to get home to clean and my brother said, "Oh, just hang out with us." So many times in my life do I put my work in front of my life. I clean and organize and plan and prepare. That is my life. I am always preparing for the future. But what about right now. This day, this hour, this minute this second.. what about right now? Life isn't the past or the future. Life is right now. My theme for the year is to ENJOY THE RIDE. Enjoy every moment and everyday. Enjoy life! Don't dwell in the past and what would've been. Don't live for the future and what could be. ENJOY RIGHT NOW, THIS SECOND.

{I am willing and able so I throw my cards on the table.}-Bob Marley

My past has molded me for the person I am now. Even this past week has been a great learning experience. I was blessed enough to have people show me their true colors so I know what I want to stay away from this year. I was able to step out of my reality and look from the outside in and decide who I really want to be. So here goes, here is my 2011. Enjoy the ride!

2011

Enjoy the Ride

Spiritual

{"...hold fast to the principles of the gospel, that you will study them and love them."}

Pray daily*Study scriptures always*Attend church*Pay tithing*Write in journal(blog)*Create a blessing jar for Addi

Physical

{"...beautiful, strong body and intelligent mind."}

Exercise 5x weekly*Eat a healthy diet*Quit biting fingernails

Financial

{"...keep far from burdensome debt...pay your tithing."

Pay of all credit card debt*Start paying off student loan (1/4)*Add to savings*Pay tithing

School/Career

{"...be strong and determined to get learning-get instruction and be of great service."

Continue Community Health education*Get certified as a personal trainer*Start GRE*Have a full time and reliable job

Intellectual/Artistic

{"...live a balanced life of hard work and play."

Read 12 books*Learn guitar*Keep up-to-date with current events*Learn how to sew*Learn about a new culture

Don't Forget the Little Things

{"...for they are the sure way to happiness and joy and productivity."

Be prompt to everything*Stay organized at all times*Volunteer*Secret nice monthly deed

Be a better friend, coworker, sister daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, citizen, auntie and most importantly, MAMA!

{"You will make a fine impression on many people in this world- an impression that will help them live happy also."}

xoxo, Alex

{Quotes and motivation for my 2011 goals were from a blessing that was given to me.}