Pity Party

It has been awhile since I have sat down to write and I wish I could say I have been super busy and just haven't had time. But the truth is, I have been in a little bit of a rut and have needed time to think about life. I needed to step back and reanalyze where I was, where I am going and how I was going to get there. Let me explain:

This year started out great. I set my goals high and I began working on them from the get go. I had organized all aspects of my life and truly felt like if I kept at those goals, everything would fall into place.

First and foremost, I decided to put my spiritual life first and allow that to pave the way. I consider myself spiritual but not necessarily religious. However, I am the type of person that likes structure and I want to raise Addi with a structure of beliefs so I decided this year that my main goal would be to figure out what my beliefs were.

I have always loved and been spiritually uplifted by the LDS church. I was raised in an LDS family but our extent of religion was when we were blessed as infants and baptized at 8 years old. Living in Utah Valley steered both my family and I away from the LDS church because unfortunately, some of the people (most) are judgemental and one minded and I did not want to be that. My family was treated so rudely and judged for not fitting the 'Utah Valley' mold and it made it hard for me to think that this church filled with such un-Christ like people could be the true church.

My parents were so great and allowed my brothers, sister and I to explore our own beliefs and has allowed us to be who we are. Even though we were so harshly judged, I somehow was able to see that the people don't always represent the church in the right way. I always gravitated towards the LDS church. I can't say at this time that I necessarily believe it all but I can say that when I pray, read scriptures and pay my tithing, I feel comforted and am able to see my blessings. So, this is the direction I had decided to work towards this year.

I have been praying and reading scriptures daily and religiously paying my tithing. Through these things, I was trying to build faith that if I continued to do so, I would have those extra blessings. Well.....

* I failed my personal training test I studied SO incredibly hard for, not passing by ONE point.

* I had a fabulous job opportunity that I was interviewing for, passing the first interview and spending 15 + hours and over $50 on the 2nd interview presentation, only to not get it.

* As I pay my tithing, with money I feel I don't have, I still feel stressed and anxious I won't be able to make ends meet.

* My personal life is not where I want it to be, I am not at the weight I was hoping to be at this time and for the most part, my life feels like it is in broken pieces.

After 3 months of truly trying to put God first in my life and putting my whole heart into becoming a better person, I feel like this??? Needless to say, I have been feeling discouraged.

A couple weeks ago, I just gave up for a little bit. I was frustrated, mad and hurt. It felt like the more I was trying, the worse things got. So I just stopped trying... completely. Quit praying, reading scriptures, hesitated to pay my tithing and basically went from putting forth all my effort to being better in all aspects of life to nothing. I just stopped. I knew this wasn't permanent but I just needed a break and time to think and redirect my life. During my 'pity party', I came across an article that brought me to tears and gave me hope. It is an article from about the power of faith and character, from the October 2010 General Conference from the LDS Church. Here are a few things that really hit home to me and were things I NEEDED to hear:

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."

"With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately accordingly to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."

"You are making better progress than you realize. Your struggles are defining character, discipline and confidence in the promises of your Father in Heaven and the Savior as you consistently obey Their commandments."

So, I am done feeling 'sorry' for myself. I am over being mad or frustrated with God and I am reanalyzing and rebooting so I can reinvent myself. The goals I set for myself this year were for the entire year. 3 months down and 9 to go! Time is on my side and I think this 2 week 'pity party' has helped me to revamp!!

xoxo, Alex