A Little Bit Stronger

Today, I grabbed what I thought was a blank journal to write in but what I grabbed was a journal I had started in 2009. It only has a few entries in it... written by a sad, confused, lonely girl who was so unsure of herself and her future and was in a relationship that was tearing her to pieces. Apart of me was embarrassed...for myself. That was who I was! A part of me wanted to burn those pages. All I could think of was, "How sad and pathetic." But than I came across a paragraph and I realized, this was who I was, who created who I am and I couldn't be more happy or more comfortable in my skin.

April 1, 2009 3:10am {37 days before Addilyn was born}

'I have feared being a single mom this entire pregnancy but I think it is about time I grasp reality and start planning for that. Babygirl, if you ever read this, please know that no matter what, you will always be my #1 and everything. If things don't workout for your father and I, please know I fought with all my might, heart and soul to keep our family together. Know that even before you were here with me that I put you first, before every decision I made. I seriously can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. I promise you I will always strive to be the best mommy I can be for you. And I promise, we will always be happy and I will do everything in my power to protect you from harm and heartache. I will be your best friend and I will never leave your side. Mommy loves you.'

{Tear jerker}

April 4, 2009 2:50am {33 days before Addilyn was born}

'I hate this method of falling and getting back up again and again but I know someday I will be up and looking back and these days of 'falling' and know it made me stronger.'

{And that, it did}

And to think, that was a YEAR before I finally built the courage to let go of those fears of being a single mom and move on from her father. Those were the hardest days of my life. I was so unhappy. I was clinging onto hope. My daughter was all I had. She was my inspiration. She gave me the strength to do the things I was so fearful to do. She continues to motivate me to do better.... BE BETTER! God knew I needed her. He sent her to me save me. She is my angel.

xoxo, Alex

D x 4

Is it really February? Did we skip January or did I blink? Time is FLYING!

Something about a new month that is so refreshing. It is like we get 12 "fresh starts' a year.

I have high hopes for this year! I feel like 2011 was all about overcoming barriers and settling in to a new life. 2012 feels like the year that I will be able to focus on perfecting certain areas of my life while continuing to learn and grow as I go along.

January was really good! I just can't get over how good life is right now. I had gone a few years that if I went a day without crying, it was a good week. Now, I can't remember the last time I cried. I feel so blessed. All the trials I have gone through have truly made me a better and much stronger person.

I am continuing to work on my 2012 goals.... slowly but surely. This month, I want to continue to work on them but with a little more energy and enthusiasm. It is all about time management! I need to be getting up a earlier, so I am not rushed for work and so I can have a little 'me' time before the crazy days start. I need to watch/listen to less TV shows on the computer. {I have created this habit of listening to talk shows on my computer while I clean and make dinner}. I need to spend more quality time with my daughter. I need to remind myself of my goals everyday so I can renew my commitment daily. I need to focus on the things that matter most and not stress about things I can't control. I have 29 days this month. I am revamped and feeling great about February!

{Bonuses: It is my niece's 1st Birthday on Valentine's day, I have a new Valentine this year, it is my parents 30th wedding anniversary and I get one extra day this month to make sure I get'er done!}

This month is all about the letter D: Dedication, desire, devotion and determination.

Goodbye January 2012... you were great. Hellllllo, February 2012.

xoxo,

Alex

6 Months

When I went to Jr. Prom, I didn't pay much attention to the boy you was in the front and center of the picture. In fact, I didn't know who he was. Who would've thought 10 years later, I would be falling for that man.

{How we met... again.} It had been a year since I had been single. I had really learned to love my independence and time with my daughter. I had just started my new job as the Athletic Club Manager and I really didn't have time for a social life. I was content and happy. A mutual friend of ours kept inviting me to come hang out so finally I gave in. They were actually hanging out at his house. I walked in to a group of all guys {I seem to make friends with guys easily}. I made it clear to the person that had invited me that I did not want to be 'hooked up' with anyone & I just wanted to be treated like, "one of the guys." He was sitting across from me. I noticed him but I didn't think much into it. After chatting for awhile, he asked if I had dated someone in high school. I said yes. He than said, "I knew I recognized you. We were in the same prom group." I can barely remember yesterday, let alone a my Jr. Prom I went to 10 years ago!

I returned to hang with those guys for a few weekends. I would notice if he wasn't there but I still had no intentions of wanting to date anyone. When he was there, we would chit chat. I knew his brother so one day, I thought of a lame excuse, which I can't remember, to ask for his phone number. I ended up texting him one day and he text back. :) It was that 'twitter patted, can't stop smiling,' feeling. I felt like a teenager again!

{Smooches} A little over a month into it, we were hanging out one night with everyone. I decided it was getting late so I got up to go. He decided to walk me out this night. It was like high school all over again. The lame filler talk.... both a little nervous... and than fIrEwoRkS! We had our first kiss!

{First Date} Well, I guess you can say the kiss confirmed we were into each other, so the next day he called and asked if I wanted to go out with him the following weekend. We went to a movie and dinner, {I know... typical} but let's keep in mind I had not been on a date in years! It was so nice to go out and be treated like a lady.

{To be continued...} Who knows where this relationship will go. In the past, I would live for the future and dream of the wedding. Now? I am just enjoying dating my best buddy. He treats me so good. He loves my daughter. And we just get each other. I can be myself around him. He tells me I am pretty without makeup and when I get a little bitchy, he just lets me be and laughs at me later. He is patient, kind and caring. I guess you can say I am falling in love.

Okay, maybe I fell already.

xoxo,

Alex

{07.25.2011}

2012 Progress

It has been two weeks since I set my 2012 goals & I thought I would check in with myself & see where my progress has gone.

{Physical}

I have been doing GREAT in making a healthy lifestyle change! I have been exercising regularly, eating a balanced diet and drinking TONS of water.

I also have not bitten my nails or pulled my eye lashes! Wahoo!

However, I have not been flossing daily so I will focus on this.

{Financial}

Well, let's just say this year got off to a rough start. I had to replace all 4 tires, spending a lot of money I did not have. However, I did pay off the credit card I had put all of my holiday spending on. Because money has been tight, I have not been living off the 80/20 rule {live off of 80%, give 10% to God and 10% to myself}.

Perhaps I should start off small. I will start with 95/5 {live off of 95%, 2.5% to God & 2.5% to myself}. Once this seems easier, I will add on.

I did start to pay off my student loans and getting out of debt has been #1 on my mind.

{Mental}

I actually read an entire book, front to back! I read the Hunger Games and have started the second book in the series. {This is huge for me as I never read}.

My Personal Training Certification studying is non-existent. I will get this out today and set up a calendar for study dates.

I also need to call the CHES headquarters to see how I can keep my certification current.

And I have been doing great on keeping up with my blogs!

{Randoms}

I need to work on being more prompt to things. Time management has gotten TONS better but can still use improvement.

Guitar is still dusty.

And I can ALWAYS work on being a better person {especially sister & friend & mostly mom}.

{Spiritual}

I have not been doing any of this & it is probably the most important!

PRAY

READ SCRIPTURES

ATTEND CHURCH

MEDITATE

I GOT TO do this!!

Well, so far, so good! I have made some great changes but still have lots to do! Everything that I bolded, I am going to really work on this week. I need to create habits & prioritize.

Excited to continue this journey on self improvement & discovery.

xoxo,

Alex

Anyway

xoxo,
Alex

Love... No matter

I know I use this quote a lot but it seems to have a big impact in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am bold. I am a true believer that people cross each other paths for a reason. I may write something on my blog that may inspire someone. I may be open, sometimes raw but always honest.

My happiness for others is true and authentic. You put out positive energy into the universe and you will be surrounded by it. You can not trick the universe and write something positive and harbor bad feelings and think you will still be getting good in return.

I will continue to love hard. I will continue to forgive. I will continue to make mistakes and grow from them. I will not apologize for my happiness & love for others.

{Never sacrifice who you are because someone has a problem with it.}

xoxo,
Alex

Joy

{Am I finally to this point? Am I really this happy for them? What is wrong with me?}

Those were the thoughts I had running through my head today as I drove my daughter and I home. I had gone to the gym after work and her dad was in town, so he picked her up from daycare. When I went to go get her, he told me that he and his fiance were having a boy {I knew they were expecting}. I felt instant joy and excitement followed by complete confusion. Was I really this happy for them? Was I faking it? Can you fake feelings to yourself? No. I was 100%, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, happy for them and my daughter. I got a little excited thinking of what a great big sister she was going to be and how this little person could potentially be her little bodyguard and best friend.

My daughter is 2 and a half. When she was born, her dad and I were still together. Thoughts of marriage were floating around and the future was unknown. Alot happened that first year and we ended things. It was really difficult for me. I thought I had failed my daughter. I had the typical feelings of being the 'ex.' Why was I not good enough for him? Why couldn't we make it work? Then, when I found out he was dating someone, my guards were instantly up. No way would she be around my daughter.

Well, a year and lots of ups and downs later, I think we have overcome the storm. I was not meant to be with my daughters dad. We are in no way compatible and we would've killed each other. But I know our daughter was meant to be here, with both of us. God works in mysterious ways.

I am completely happy in my own life. I have learned to love, LOVE, being single. I am so independent and feel like I can conquer the world. Maybe someday I will settle down; perhaps have a baby or two. But for now, I couldn't be happier that my daughter's dad has found a girl he loves and they are blessing her with a brother.

Feels good to forgive.

xoxo,
Alex