Forgiveness

So today I witnessed something that I NEVER want to see in my future...

I was at the police station for work and a young mom and her 3 year old daughter were there waiting on an officer to fill out custody papers. Apparently, the mom and the dad meet at the city center to swap their little girl. If one doesn't show up, the other can go get a police report filled out so they have proof when fighting for custody. So, as they were waiting the little girl kept asking, "Mom, can we go?" The mom replied, "No, we are waiting for the officer." The little girl was confused, "No, we are waiting for my Daddy." The mom, who was obviously bitter, did not even try to hide the negativity and said, "No, your dad didn't show up again. he never does." The little girl is only 3 years old but even I could sense the disappointed in her eyes. I was sad for her.

Watching this happen made me think of my situation. I sometimes worry that Addi will already have issues since her mom and dad aren't married. There is not a chance that I will EVER let her hear me talk negatively about her dad. Honestly, there has been times where I was hurt or frustrated but for Addi, especially since we aren't together as a family, I need her to only feel love from both sides. Just like any other mom, I will do my best to protect her from ANY kind of harm or sadness. I hope those battles will be aimed towards a few broken hearts from boys or silly fights with her friends.... not from me or her dad.

This little girl touched my heart today. I saw a glimpse of what Addi's future could be if I don't learn to forgive. I have been through a lot and at times, my heart still feels heavy. But for Addi, i will continue to work on forgiveness. Nothing in this world would break my heart more if I saw Addi's breaking.

Faith

{Matthew 9: 22} ...Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.

I have come to realize that I can't do this thing we call life on my own. I am learning to rely a lot on God, through the good and the bad. I would not consider myself religious but I am very spiritual. When I need comfort or answers, I turn to prayer or scripture, being the Bible and the Book of Mormon. I also have felt blessed as I have paid tithing but as times get hard, putting a check in an envelope for tithing, knowing that the amount could pay a bill or two, can be trying at times. This morning was one of those times where I was feeling anxious about things so I decided to read some scriptures and say a prayer for inspiration and/or comfort.

Since I graduated, I have had a hard time finding work. I have had part time jobs but nothing full time. I have been able to make ends meet but since I just lost one of my part time jobs, I am getting a little bit nervous. I recently applied for 2 jobs that would really job start my career and would allow me to support myself and my daughter. The applications have been turned in so now it is just a waiting game. With this economy, I know there is a lot of competition for jobs and I guess you can say, I am not feeling very confident. I do feel very qualified, maybe overly qualified, but with politics and other factors, I know that doesn't always mean anything.

As feelings of anxiousness consumed me this morning, I opened up my scriptures, in hopes of inspiration. I was just skimming pages, reading highlighted lines. I opened it up to Matthew 9:25 and read, "...Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole." I read that over a few times and started skimming other pages. I happened to turn to the Book of Mormon next.

{Ether 12:6} And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of faith.

I was inspired. I was comforted. I need to have more faith in situations and know that if I am relying on God full heartedly, things will work out the way they are supposed to.

xoxo, Alex

Prayer

{ Prayer } As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father , and we are his children), than at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part. Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is the highest of all blessings. -Bible Dictionary Prayer (pg 752-753)

I love this. I have come to realize that I can't do anything without God. Through times of good and times of bad, I am either asking Him for help or thanking Him for all that I have. I am still trying to figure out who I am spiritually but the relationship I have with God is one that I can't live without. Growing up, you learn the motions of prayer. From my experience, I don't think I actually grasped the idea of it till I was an adult; till I was at my worst times; till I was completely lost. And at those times, I turned to prayer. My faith grew immediately when the smallest of blessings would start to surround me. When all of a sudden I could go from feeling anxious and scared to calm and comforted. I knew God was listening and was willing to grant me those blessings... it was like He was just waiting for me to ask.

There have been multiple times where I have prayed and asked for something that didn't come. Now, I look back and realize that God sees the bigger picture. He was always there for me, guiding me through the tough times. Some of those unanswered prayers I can now see have been answered. I just needed time and clarity to see them.

Thank you God.

xoxo, Alex

EnJoY tHe rIdE

{Don't wait around for your life to happen to you. Find something that makes you happy and do it. Everything else is just background noise.} -a quote from the show 24

This year, I didn't rush to set my new goals for 2011. I lived the first week of it, really got a feel of what I wanted, who I wanted to become and now I am ready to set those goals. 2011 is all about ENJOYING THE RIDE. I was spending time with my brother, sister and niece this week and I really needed to get home to clean and my brother said, "Oh, just hang out with us." So many times in my life do I put my work in front of my life. I clean and organize and plan and prepare. That is my life. I am always preparing for the future. But what about right now. This day, this hour, this minute this second.. what about right now? Life isn't the past or the future. Life is right now. My theme for the year is to ENJOY THE RIDE. Enjoy every moment and everyday. Enjoy life! Don't dwell in the past and what would've been. Don't live for the future and what could be. ENJOY RIGHT NOW, THIS SECOND.

{I am willing and able so I throw my cards on the table.}-Bob Marley

My past has molded me for the person I am now. Even this past week has been a great learning experience. I was blessed enough to have people show me their true colors so I know what I want to stay away from this year. I was able to step out of my reality and look from the outside in and decide who I really want to be. So here goes, here is my 2011. Enjoy the ride!

2011

Enjoy the Ride

Spiritual

{"...hold fast to the principles of the gospel, that you will study them and love them."}

Pray daily*Study scriptures always*Attend church*Pay tithing*Write in journal(blog)*Create a blessing jar for Addi

Physical

{"...beautiful, strong body and intelligent mind."}

Exercise 5x weekly*Eat a healthy diet*Quit biting fingernails

Financial

{"...keep far from burdensome debt...pay your tithing."

Pay of all credit card debt*Start paying off student loan (1/4)*Add to savings*Pay tithing

School/Career

{"...be strong and determined to get learning-get instruction and be of great service."

Continue Community Health education*Get certified as a personal trainer*Start GRE*Have a full time and reliable job

Intellectual/Artistic

{"...live a balanced life of hard work and play."

Read 12 books*Learn guitar*Keep up-to-date with current events*Learn how to sew*Learn about a new culture

Don't Forget the Little Things

{"...for they are the sure way to happiness and joy and productivity."

Be prompt to everything*Stay organized at all times*Volunteer*Secret nice monthly deed

Be a better friend, coworker, sister daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, citizen, auntie and most importantly, MAMA!

{"You will make a fine impression on many people in this world- an impression that will help them live happy also."}

xoxo, Alex

{Quotes and motivation for my 2011 goals were from a blessing that was given to me.}

Farewell 2010.... Hello 2011

2010 has come to an end and we are approaching a brand new year. I love it. A time where I can reflect on this past year and prepare for an even better one. 2010 was one of the HARDEST yet one of the GREATEST years of my life. I think I hit the lowest lows and the highest highs and when all of it is said and done, I am coming out of it a better, stronger and more independent woman! This year is just one of 26 that has molded me into the person I am today. I have come along way but I still have so far to go. I am ready for the NEXT STEP. I am a little scared of the unknown but I am ready to for 2011.... the good and the bad. I am excited to see how it will mold me and who I will be in one year from now. Farewell 2010... hello 2011.

xoxo, Alex

Letting go of tears

{sigh} This week has been very emotional. It seems sometimes when I am really trying to do good and put positive energy out into the universe, I find myself jumping hoops and trying to stay afloat. It is the end of the week and the end of the year and I thought I would take sometime to contemplate this past week so as I jump into 2011, I can either be prepared for these hoops or avoid them all together.

{character} One thing my Dad really instilled in me as I was growing up was the value of my character. Integrity is a word he taught me not to use lightly. So this past week when my character was tested and I was told by others that I was selfish, a liar, only thinking of myself.... I was surprised and a little hurt. I pride myself with my character and although I am not perfect, I try to be the best person I can be. One thing that is amazing about this world is that we all see life through our own goggles. No one will ever know how I see things and to me, that makes me feel special. So, when I was called these words, I really tried to look at it from their perspective. And as much as I tried to really understand, those words that were used against me were never justified. The words stung a little but at the end of the day, it gave me time to really think about who I am, who I want to be and how I am going to get there.

{energy} I am a true believer that what ever you put out into the world, it will come right back to you. I think this week was surrounded by negative energy and it did tug at my soul. So, this is me letting go of the tears. I will send them into the sky and down to the ground. It is okay to cry but I think each tear is to give us strength. I am ready to put this not so happy week behind me and walk away a stronger woman.

xoxo, Alex

Inside & Out

I am constantly trying to work on my self... from the inside and out and I realized the other day just how much I was lacking working on the outside. I was house sitting over Thanksgiving weekend and there was a scale in the bathroom. I thought, "What the heck!" I jumped on, knowing I had let myself go a little bit. But to my surprise, I was about 20 pounds heavier than I THOUGHT I was. (I thought I was 25 pounds overweight already) So, do the math..... I AM 45 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT!!!!! This is NOT me. Lets take a roll down memory lane.

Five years ago, I was in the best shape I have ever been in! Going to the gym every morning at 5:30am & doing 2 hour workouts. I was even considering doing a fitness competition at the time. Well, life happened and I started dating someone. Instead of wanting to go to bed at 10:00pm so I could wake up at 5:00am, I was now wanting to stay up late. Slowly but surely, I quit going to the gym, I got comfortable in a relationship and a few years later, I found myself at the SAME weight I am now! I was this weight when I found out I was pregnant. Knowing I was considered 'overweight' already, throughout my pregnancy I was very cautious about my weight gain. I only gained 13 POUNDS during my pregnancy! Soon after I had Addi, I lost 30 pounds and was on a path to what I thought was going to lead to my old fit body! Well, life happened again. This time, it came in the form of a heart wrenching break up, my senior year in college; all while being a single mom.

So, what is the present? I am a single mom, working 25-35 hours a week, (still looking for a steady full time job) at the end of my personal training certification, and 45 pounds overweight. Do I just see what life hands me next or do I take control and and tell life that we are hitting a treadmill and giving up midnight snacks?

So, here goes... something I thought I would never actually put on a public blog.

176 pound body.... you did this to yourself and you will work yourself back to a healthier and happier you!

xoxo, Alex