I can not believe 2012 only has 3 months left! This year as flown by! It has been such an incredible year--ran my first half marathon, family vacation to Vegas, I managed a pool for the first time, I have found myself to be content and happy, I have grown closer to my family & so much more! But with all this 'living', some of my goals for 2012 have yet to be attained. I am in the 3 month stretch and have decided to take a look at what I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year & push myself to get there!

 

I haven't completely dropped the ball. Most things I have been doing but it is time to step it up!

 

I live by the 4 D's: Dedication, Desire, Devotion and Determination. So, tomorrow I prep and Monday October 1st, it is Operation 2012 Goals A-Go-GO!

 

 

{Copy of 2012 Goals.. I have typed in red the progress I have made. Not too shabby but I have alot of work ahead of me}.

{Physical}

I started another blog {witnessfitness2012.blogspot.com} I have set goals on there & will be making a weekly plan to achieve those long term goals which are:

Here are my 2012 'Bringing Sexy Back' Goals:

Starting Weight: (eeeeeek) 180.7

Goal Weight: 135 (I want 130, I think 140 is a definite goal so I will
meet in the middle)

Lbs to lose per week: 2 lbs.

Goal Weight Date: June 1, 2012 (6 months)

Starting Pant Size: 12 (okay...I am pushing 14)

Goal pant size: 6

Size 10 by: February 20, 2012

Size 8 by: April 16, 2012

Size 6 by: June 1, 2012

Starting shirt size: Large-X Large

Goal shirt size: Small

Size L by: February 20, 2012

Size M by: April 16, 2012

Size S by: June 1, 2o12

{I HAVE MADE SO MANY LIFESTYLE CHANGES THUS FAR! SO PROUD OF MY DEDICATION BUT I NEED TO ATTAIN THESE GOALS! *SEE BLOG}

I would also like to add three other bad items to the Physical list:

No more biting fingernails GREAT PROGRESS

No more pulling eyelashes {I know, horrible} 2 MONTHS PULL FREE :)

Floss Daily MUST DO

{Financial}

Live off the 80/20 Rule: {Live off of 80%. Give 10% to God. Give 10% to self (savings)} MUST DO

No Credit Card Debt CHECK :)

Pay off 1/4 of my student loan. IN PROGRESS

{Mental}

Read 1 book a month {12 books in a year}3 DOWN, 9 TO GO

Complete Personal Trainer Certification GOTTA WORK ON!

Keep CHES {Community Healthy Education Specialist} certification current CHECK :)

Write in journal (blog) weekly (minimum) HAHA, OBVIOUSLY NEED TO DO

 

{Randoms}

Be prompt to everything I HAVE DONE OKAY ON THIS.

Improve on time management IMPROVEMENT

Learn guitar GOTTA DO!
Be a better friend, coworker, sister daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, citizen, auntie and most importantly, MAMA! ALWAYS TRYING!

 

{Spiritual}

Pray daily DOING BETTER

Read Scriptures I'LL GIVE THIS A WHIRL. ;)

Attend Church MY THOUGHTS HAVE CHANGED BUT MAYBE ILL TRY.

Meditate THIS IS A MUST!

 

 

 

It is never to late to be what you might've been. Cheers to the last 3 months of 2012!

 

xoxo,

Alex

A Little Bit Stronger

Today, I grabbed what I thought was a blank journal to write in but what I grabbed was a journal I had started in 2009. It only has a few entries in it... written by a sad, confused, lonely girl who was so unsure of herself and her future and was in a relationship that was tearing her to pieces. Apart of me was embarrassed...for myself. That was who I was! A part of me wanted to burn those pages. All I could think of was, "How sad and pathetic." But than I came across a paragraph and I realized, this was who I was, who created who I am and I couldn't be more happy or more comfortable in my skin.

April 1, 2009 3:10am {37 days before Addilyn was born}

'I have feared being a single mom this entire pregnancy but I think it is about time I grasp reality and start planning for that. Babygirl, if you ever read this, please know that no matter what, you will always be my #1 and everything. If things don't workout for your father and I, please know I fought with all my might, heart and soul to keep our family together. Know that even before you were here with me that I put you first, before every decision I made. I seriously can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. I promise you I will always strive to be the best mommy I can be for you. And I promise, we will always be happy and I will do everything in my power to protect you from harm and heartache. I will be your best friend and I will never leave your side. Mommy loves you.'

{Tear jerker}

April 4, 2009 2:50am {33 days before Addilyn was born}

'I hate this method of falling and getting back up again and again but I know someday I will be up and looking back and these days of 'falling' and know it made me stronger.'

{And that, it did}

And to think, that was a YEAR before I finally built the courage to let go of those fears of being a single mom and move on from her father. Those were the hardest days of my life. I was so unhappy. I was clinging onto hope. My daughter was all I had. She was my inspiration. She gave me the strength to do the things I was so fearful to do. She continues to motivate me to do better.... BE BETTER! God knew I needed her. He sent her to me save me. She is my angel.

xoxo, Alex

D x 4

Is it really February? Did we skip January or did I blink? Time is FLYING!

Something about a new month that is so refreshing. It is like we get 12 "fresh starts' a year.

I have high hopes for this year! I feel like 2011 was all about overcoming barriers and settling in to a new life. 2012 feels like the year that I will be able to focus on perfecting certain areas of my life while continuing to learn and grow as I go along.

January was really good! I just can't get over how good life is right now. I had gone a few years that if I went a day without crying, it was a good week. Now, I can't remember the last time I cried. I feel so blessed. All the trials I have gone through have truly made me a better and much stronger person.

I am continuing to work on my 2012 goals.... slowly but surely. This month, I want to continue to work on them but with a little more energy and enthusiasm. It is all about time management! I need to be getting up a earlier, so I am not rushed for work and so I can have a little 'me' time before the crazy days start. I need to watch/listen to less TV shows on the computer. {I have created this habit of listening to talk shows on my computer while I clean and make dinner}. I need to spend more quality time with my daughter. I need to remind myself of my goals everyday so I can renew my commitment daily. I need to focus on the things that matter most and not stress about things I can't control. I have 29 days this month. I am revamped and feeling great about February!

{Bonuses: It is my niece's 1st Birthday on Valentine's day, I have a new Valentine this year, it is my parents 30th wedding anniversary and I get one extra day this month to make sure I get'er done!}

This month is all about the letter D: Dedication, desire, devotion and determination.

Goodbye January 2012... you were great. Hellllllo, February 2012.

xoxo,

Alex

6 Months

When I went to Jr. Prom, I didn't pay much attention to the boy you was in the front and center of the picture. In fact, I didn't know who he was. Who would've thought 10 years later, I would be falling for that man.

{How we met... again.} It had been a year since I had been single. I had really learned to love my independence and time with my daughter. I had just started my new job as the Athletic Club Manager and I really didn't have time for a social life. I was content and happy. A mutual friend of ours kept inviting me to come hang out so finally I gave in. They were actually hanging out at his house. I walked in to a group of all guys {I seem to make friends with guys easily}. I made it clear to the person that had invited me that I did not want to be 'hooked up' with anyone & I just wanted to be treated like, "one of the guys." He was sitting across from me. I noticed him but I didn't think much into it. After chatting for awhile, he asked if I had dated someone in high school. I said yes. He than said, "I knew I recognized you. We were in the same prom group." I can barely remember yesterday, let alone a my Jr. Prom I went to 10 years ago!

I returned to hang with those guys for a few weekends. I would notice if he wasn't there but I still had no intentions of wanting to date anyone. When he was there, we would chit chat. I knew his brother so one day, I thought of a lame excuse, which I can't remember, to ask for his phone number. I ended up texting him one day and he text back. :) It was that 'twitter patted, can't stop smiling,' feeling. I felt like a teenager again!

{Smooches} A little over a month into it, we were hanging out one night with everyone. I decided it was getting late so I got up to go. He decided to walk me out this night. It was like high school all over again. The lame filler talk.... both a little nervous... and than fIrEwoRkS! We had our first kiss!

{First Date} Well, I guess you can say the kiss confirmed we were into each other, so the next day he called and asked if I wanted to go out with him the following weekend. We went to a movie and dinner, {I know... typical} but let's keep in mind I had not been on a date in years! It was so nice to go out and be treated like a lady.

{To be continued...} Who knows where this relationship will go. In the past, I would live for the future and dream of the wedding. Now? I am just enjoying dating my best buddy. He treats me so good. He loves my daughter. And we just get each other. I can be myself around him. He tells me I am pretty without makeup and when I get a little bitchy, he just lets me be and laughs at me later. He is patient, kind and caring. I guess you can say I am falling in love.

Okay, maybe I fell already.

xoxo,

Alex

{07.25.2011}

2012 Progress

It has been two weeks since I set my 2012 goals & I thought I would check in with myself & see where my progress has gone.

{Physical}

I have been doing GREAT in making a healthy lifestyle change! I have been exercising regularly, eating a balanced diet and drinking TONS of water.

I also have not bitten my nails or pulled my eye lashes! Wahoo!

However, I have not been flossing daily so I will focus on this.

{Financial}

Well, let's just say this year got off to a rough start. I had to replace all 4 tires, spending a lot of money I did not have. However, I did pay off the credit card I had put all of my holiday spending on. Because money has been tight, I have not been living off the 80/20 rule {live off of 80%, give 10% to God and 10% to myself}.

Perhaps I should start off small. I will start with 95/5 {live off of 95%, 2.5% to God & 2.5% to myself}. Once this seems easier, I will add on.

I did start to pay off my student loans and getting out of debt has been #1 on my mind.

{Mental}

I actually read an entire book, front to back! I read the Hunger Games and have started the second book in the series. {This is huge for me as I never read}.

My Personal Training Certification studying is non-existent. I will get this out today and set up a calendar for study dates.

I also need to call the CHES headquarters to see how I can keep my certification current.

And I have been doing great on keeping up with my blogs!

{Randoms}

I need to work on being more prompt to things. Time management has gotten TONS better but can still use improvement.

Guitar is still dusty.

And I can ALWAYS work on being a better person {especially sister & friend & mostly mom}.

{Spiritual}

I have not been doing any of this & it is probably the most important!

PRAY

READ SCRIPTURES

ATTEND CHURCH

MEDITATE

I GOT TO do this!!

Well, so far, so good! I have made some great changes but still have lots to do! Everything that I bolded, I am going to really work on this week. I need to create habits & prioritize.

Excited to continue this journey on self improvement & discovery.

xoxo,

Alex

Anyway

xoxo,
Alex

Love... No matter

I know I use this quote a lot but it seems to have a big impact in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am bold. I am a true believer that people cross each other paths for a reason. I may write something on my blog that may inspire someone. I may be open, sometimes raw but always honest.

My happiness for others is true and authentic. You put out positive energy into the universe and you will be surrounded by it. You can not trick the universe and write something positive and harbor bad feelings and think you will still be getting good in return.

I will continue to love hard. I will continue to forgive. I will continue to make mistakes and grow from them. I will not apologize for my happiness & love for others.

{Never sacrifice who you are because someone has a problem with it.}

xoxo,
Alex

Joy

{Am I finally to this point? Am I really this happy for them? What is wrong with me?}

Those were the thoughts I had running through my head today as I drove my daughter and I home. I had gone to the gym after work and her dad was in town, so he picked her up from daycare. When I went to go get her, he told me that he and his fiance were having a boy {I knew they were expecting}. I felt instant joy and excitement followed by complete confusion. Was I really this happy for them? Was I faking it? Can you fake feelings to yourself? No. I was 100%, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, happy for them and my daughter. I got a little excited thinking of what a great big sister she was going to be and how this little person could potentially be her little bodyguard and best friend.

My daughter is 2 and a half. When she was born, her dad and I were still together. Thoughts of marriage were floating around and the future was unknown. Alot happened that first year and we ended things. It was really difficult for me. I thought I had failed my daughter. I had the typical feelings of being the 'ex.' Why was I not good enough for him? Why couldn't we make it work? Then, when I found out he was dating someone, my guards were instantly up. No way would she be around my daughter.

Well, a year and lots of ups and downs later, I think we have overcome the storm. I was not meant to be with my daughters dad. We are in no way compatible and we would've killed each other. But I know our daughter was meant to be here, with both of us. God works in mysterious ways.

I am completely happy in my own life. I have learned to love, LOVE, being single. I am so independent and feel like I can conquer the world. Maybe someday I will settle down; perhaps have a baby or two. But for now, I couldn't be happier that my daughter's dad has found a girl he loves and they are blessing her with a brother.

Feels good to forgive.

xoxo,
Alex

Content

So much has been on my mind lately... where do I begin.

I am happy. I am truly, 100%, couldn't be better, happy where I am in my life. I am healthy, my daughter is healthy. We have a home, a reliable car. I have a good job. I have the ability to continue my education and grow in my professional life. We don't have everything but we have enough. Yes, I have my bad days and things that stress me out but when I sit back and look at my life, this is the happiest I have ever been.

I am so content and comfortable with my life that I wonder.... do I ever want to get married? I really do not know anymore. My entire life, I have envisioned this fairytale wedding. Maybe it is the area I grew up in, but I always thought I would get married in my early twenties and raise a family. I always lived in the future; wanting what I didn't have. I would have a boyfriend but would be living for the possible marriage. Now, when I think of the future, I picture just my daughter and I. I imagine all our holidays together, birthday trips just the two of us. I daydream of buying a little home, perfect for two, with a white picket fence.

I am dating someone right now, that I love. Yes, love. He is so kind, patient & gentle with me. I can talk to him about anything and I feel so safe with him. Do I see a future with him? Possibly.

Is this what contentment feels like? I love working hard and than coming home with my babygirl. I love my alone time. Let me repeat that. I LOVE my alone time. I feel at peace when she is tucked in bed and I can take a bath, read, blog... be completely alone.

I have done a 180! I used to feel the need to always be with someone, especially whoever I was dating. That is probably a huge reason my ex and I didn't work out. I probably suffocated him by always wanting him, needing him, to be with me. Now, I couldn't be happier with being with just me.

Who knows what the future holds. Maybe I will get married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will adopt a baby someday. Maybe I will raise my daughter and when she turns 18 and goes off to college, I will travel the world. Maybe I will go back to school and earn my PHD. Maybe I will continue to fall madly in love with my boyfriend and I will become a bonus mom and have the best bonus kids and maybe even more of my own. The future is so unknown.

But I do know this. I am happy.


xoxo,

Alex

Only 24 hours you say?

My Tuesday:

5:30am: Wake to get ready for work.
6:45am: Wake up daughter & get her ready
7:15am: Rush out the door
7:30am: Drop daughter off at daycare
7:45am: Get to work
3:45pm: Get off work
4:15pm: Get to the gym to workout
5:00pm: Head to daycare
5:15pm: Pick up daughter & head to grocery store.
5:30pm: Grocery Store. Pick up a few items for dinner.
6:00pm: Head home
6:15pm: Get home, carry groceries & daughter up stairs.
6:30pm: Making dinner & being a mom
7:00pm: Eat dinner
7:15pm: Clean up dinner & pick up house.
7:45pm: Tubby time for the daughter
8:15pm: Quiet time with daughter
8:45pm: Lights out (for daughter)
9:00pm: Mom time (shower, clean up house, plan for next day, ect..)

I'm. Tired.

2012 A Go-Go

7 days into the new year & I think I am ready to set a few goals & make a plan for 2012. So, here goes:

{Physical}

I started another blog {witnessfitness2012.blogspot.com} I have set goals on there & will be making a weekly plan to achieve those long term goals which are:

Here are my 2012 'Bringing Sexy Back' Goals:

Starting Weight: (eeeeeek) 180.7

Goal Weight: 135 (I want 130, I think 140 is a definite goal so I will
meet in the middle)

Lbs to lose per week: 2 lbs.

Goal Weight Date: June 1, 2012 (6 months)

Starting Pant Size: 12 (okay...I am pushing 14)

Goal pant size: 6

Size 10 by: February 20, 2012

Size 8 by: April 16, 2012

Size 6 by: June 1, 2012

Starting shirt size: Large-X Large

Goal shirt size: Small

Size L by: February 20, 2012

Size M by: April 16, 2012

Size S by: June 1, 2o12

I would also like to add three other bad items to the Physical list:

No more biting fingernails

No more pulling eyelashes {I know, horrible}

Floss Daily

{Financial}

Live off the 80/20 Rule: {Live off of 80%. Give 10% to God. Give 10% to self (savings)}

No Credit Card Debt

Pay off 1/4 of my student loan.

{Mental}

Read 1 book a month {12 books in a year}

Complete Personal Trainer Certification

Keep CHES {Community Healthy Education Specialist} certification current

Write in journal (blog) weekly (minimum)

{Randoms}

Be prompt to everything

Improve on time management

Learn guitar
Be a better friend, coworker, sister daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, citizen, auntie and most importantly, MAMA!

{Spiritual}

Pray daily

Read Scriptures

Attend Church

Meditate

There is more I want to accomplish this year but that is a good base. The skys are the limits. 2011 was a hard, crazy, blessed & wonderful year! I look forward to the challenges this year, I am excited for the memories, and I hope at the end of the year I can look in the mirror and say,

"I became a better person in 2012."

xoxo,

Alex

An Unexpected Friendship

{My daughter at 1 week old, being held by myself and her dad.}

{text conversation with my daughter's dad}

Me: I ask Addi, "what do you want to do tomorrow?" She usually says "Go Robin's." {that is her sitter} but tonight she said, "Go Daddy's"

Him: Lol. That's my girl! You are doing a great job raising her. Makes me happy.

Me: Thank you. She is the greatest gift anyone could give me, so thank you.

Him: At least I did something right. Lol.

Me: Haha. Maybe we weren't meant to be together but she was definitely meant to be with us. See.... our crazy relationship was all worth it. (:

Him: You're right! Well said.

This conversation made me tear up a little. I am so proud of us that we are finally getting to this point. All I have ever wanted was to raise my daughter with her dad. At first, I thought we had to be together to do it. When that wasn't an option, I had a hard time accepting that we would raise her in-- what I thought at the time was-- a broken family. Now, I couldn't be happier to be raising her, with her dad, in our own homes. She will have a 'bonus mom/dad' someday {I don't like the term 'step'}. And she is going to have siblings. She will spend some holidays with me & some with her dad. We will do things separately and somethings together. But most importantly, my daughter will be loved from all of her family... no matter how we grow.

xoxo,

Alex

Im Stuck in Between 2011 & 2012

It is day 3 into the new year & I have yet to write down my goals. I have subconsciously been avoiding it. I feel like once they are written, they are set in stone. It is either accomplish each goal or fail (I fear failure). So I have been thinking about why I have not been able to achieve some of my goals lately & this is what I have come to:

I am an "all or nothing" girl. I am either 100% or 0%. If I want to lose weight, I need to do a crazy diet & exercise daily or not do anything at all. If I want to keep a clean home, I need to scrub all day, everyday, or my house will be considered a mess. You catch my drift? What I have realized is I HAVE A HARD TIME BALANCING MY LIFE. AHHHH! I need to find a happy medium.

Also, I am the best at setting a goal! But one mistake I have made in the past is I have not implemented a plan into how I would achieve these goals. I came across this saying today and it has been on my mind:

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

This makes complete sense! I have been setting goals for years, 'wishing' they would come true, without making a plan.

So 2012, it is all about balancing my life & planning how I will achieve my goals. I will also work on setting attainable goals. Baby steps.

I feel a sense of relief & I think I am ready to set this goals and get 2012 rolling.

xoxo,

Alex

Ps. Goals to come in the next post. (:

Say What You Feel

I was about to make this blog private (along with my other blogs) because someone had read some of the blog & didn't like it. My initial reaction was to make it private but than I remembered my favorite quote:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." {Dr. Seuss}

This is my blog. This is an outlet for me to express myself & how I feel. I mean no harm to anyone. This is my history. It can be raw at times and the truth may hurt. But that is what this is; the truth. This is me.

I want to continue to write and keep this blog open, as I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason. If I can be of any inspiration or if anyone could be inspirational to me, than I feel this blog has served more than it's purpose.

Below I wrote about family and expressed my feelings on my family dynamic. What I wrote was my true and honest feelings. It was my reality. Life evolves and my family dynamic is growing and shaping with each day. I am happy to say that at this moment in my life, I feel like my family is exactly what it is supposed to be. I didn't take the easiest route & when it comes to my daughter, this is not what I had planned....it is even better. I have the greatest family. I have the best of friends. I am dating an amazing man. And I am building a friendship with my daughter's dad that I thought we could never have. We have had a few bumps in the road & I am sure we will have more. But we got through it & it has made both of us better parents. I am grateful for the love he has for my babygirl. I enjoy watching their relationship grow & am comfortable with our family & the way it is shaping. My daughter's dad (my ex) and I dated for years. I grew to love him & hate him & love him all over again. We were not meant to be together but our daughter was meant to be with us. He gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give me. I love him for that.

I love my unplanned little life. It is everything it was supposed to be.

xoxo,

Alex

Family

Family. Is there an exact definition to this? I have been thinking alot about my family lately, both my family I grew up in and my little family I have created. This weekend has really got me thinking and a little emotional.

Today is my mom's 50th Birthday. We got up early this morning and my brother, dad, mom and I went on a tandem bike ride up the canyon. None of us have ever been tandem bike riding and it was really fun. I rode with my brother and we were laughing non stop. One thing with tandem bike riding is that you either trust or learn to trust the other person on the bike. He was in front and I couldn't see ahead so I hoped and prayed he was watching the path. My sister and her girls, sis-in-law and brother and of course, my little girl, were waiting for us with breakfast at a park. We hung out for a little while and than rode back. As I sat around the table I thought about our family. Is this what my Mom thought her reality would be like at 50? Is this the family she wanted? We definitely aren't perfect but through it out, we have all stuck together. I love my family so much and have such great relationships with all of them.

Tomorrow is Father's Day and to be honest, this holiday has become a little bitter sweet. First and foremost, I love my dad with all my heart. This is a day where we get to celebrate him as being our daddy and focus on just that. I couldn't imagine my life without him and I am so grateful he was such an active father. I remember at my high school graduation, he was out of town for business. To be honest, it didn't bother me that he might not be there. But what I didn't realize was how much it would mean to me when I walked off that stage and he was there. He flew back for me. And to this day, when I think back to my graduation, that memory of having my dad there means the most.

As for the bitter sweet part of Father's Day? Well, it is the heartbreak I have for my daughter, who's dad isn't exactly in her life right now. Who does she celebrate on this day? Who does she get to give a card too? When she gets a little older, and they make crafts at school, who will she be making hers for? I know she is only two and I pray to God that things will change and she will have the same experiences I have had growing up with an amazing dad.

However, how lucky am I that I have such great men in my family that have stepped up to the plate to be there for her. Last weekend, my little girl slept at my parent's house because I had to work at 6am on Saturday morning. The plan was that I would come over Friday night after work and tuck her in bed. But when I got there, my dad asked if he could take her to the carnival. I was a little hesitant. My dad... taking a crazy two year old to a carnival... all by himself? He wanted to do it, so off they went. This is something he would've done when I was two and I am so grateful that my little girl has her Papa who will take her to do things.

So I guess the definition of a family is irrelevant when it comes to who makes up a family. Me, my little girl and doggy are the perfect family right now. Who knows how we will grow. More dogs? Maybe a cat? Maybe a dad? Maybe a dad with kids? More kids? As long as we have each other, we have it all.

I love my family!

xoxo, Alex

Destiny

Change your choices and change your world. Change your choices and change your destiny. You have one chance at life-here and now. And you have only this lifetime to get it right.

xoxo, Alex

Pity Party

It has been awhile since I have sat down to write and I wish I could say I have been super busy and just haven't had time. But the truth is, I have been in a little bit of a rut and have needed time to think about life. I needed to step back and reanalyze where I was, where I am going and how I was going to get there. Let me explain:

This year started out great. I set my goals high and I began working on them from the get go. I had organized all aspects of my life and truly felt like if I kept at those goals, everything would fall into place.

First and foremost, I decided to put my spiritual life first and allow that to pave the way. I consider myself spiritual but not necessarily religious. However, I am the type of person that likes structure and I want to raise Addi with a structure of beliefs so I decided this year that my main goal would be to figure out what my beliefs were.

I have always loved and been spiritually uplifted by the LDS church. I was raised in an LDS family but our extent of religion was when we were blessed as infants and baptized at 8 years old. Living in Utah Valley steered both my family and I away from the LDS church because unfortunately, some of the people (most) are judgemental and one minded and I did not want to be that. My family was treated so rudely and judged for not fitting the 'Utah Valley' mold and it made it hard for me to think that this church filled with such un-Christ like people could be the true church.

My parents were so great and allowed my brothers, sister and I to explore our own beliefs and has allowed us to be who we are. Even though we were so harshly judged, I somehow was able to see that the people don't always represent the church in the right way. I always gravitated towards the LDS church. I can't say at this time that I necessarily believe it all but I can say that when I pray, read scriptures and pay my tithing, I feel comforted and am able to see my blessings. So, this is the direction I had decided to work towards this year.

I have been praying and reading scriptures daily and religiously paying my tithing. Through these things, I was trying to build faith that if I continued to do so, I would have those extra blessings. Well.....

* I failed my personal training test I studied SO incredibly hard for, not passing by ONE point.

* I had a fabulous job opportunity that I was interviewing for, passing the first interview and spending 15 + hours and over $50 on the 2nd interview presentation, only to not get it.

* As I pay my tithing, with money I feel I don't have, I still feel stressed and anxious I won't be able to make ends meet.

* My personal life is not where I want it to be, I am not at the weight I was hoping to be at this time and for the most part, my life feels like it is in broken pieces.

After 3 months of truly trying to put God first in my life and putting my whole heart into becoming a better person, I feel like this??? Needless to say, I have been feeling discouraged.

A couple weeks ago, I just gave up for a little bit. I was frustrated, mad and hurt. It felt like the more I was trying, the worse things got. So I just stopped trying... completely. Quit praying, reading scriptures, hesitated to pay my tithing and basically went from putting forth all my effort to being better in all aspects of life to nothing. I just stopped. I knew this wasn't permanent but I just needed a break and time to think and redirect my life. During my 'pity party', I came across an article that brought me to tears and gave me hope. It is an article from about the power of faith and character, from the October 2010 General Conference from the LDS Church. Here are a few things that really hit home to me and were things I NEEDED to hear:

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."

"With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately accordingly to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."

"You are making better progress than you realize. Your struggles are defining character, discipline and confidence in the promises of your Father in Heaven and the Savior as you consistently obey Their commandments."

So, I am done feeling 'sorry' for myself. I am over being mad or frustrated with God and I am reanalyzing and rebooting so I can reinvent myself. The goals I set for myself this year were for the entire year. 3 months down and 9 to go! Time is on my side and I think this 2 week 'pity party' has helped me to revamp!!

xoxo, Alex

Having a Little Faith

So far, this year has been all about faith and right now, I feel like I am being tested. I feel as though my faith is being put through the ringer and at times, my fingers are starting to lose their grip.

The past couple of years have been rough but also were some of my best learning years. One thing I really have learned is that I can't do this thing called life without God. So this year, I decided to put it all on Him. I have made it a daily habit to pray and read scriptures. As I do these things, I also try to be a good person to all of those who surround me. I am truly trying to be a better person each day and rely on my Heavenly Father. I feel so blessed and constantly have daily reminders of how lucky I am. However, as I strive to accomplish some of my goals, things that will better my life so I can provide for my daughter and also be of service to others, I feel like my patience is being tested. I am having to turn to faith and am putting everything I have into it.

I have been applying to jobs, even interviewing for one, and I have had no luck thus far. I have put a lot of time and effort in becoming certified as a personal trainer, being prayerful as I study. I took the exam the other day, and I failed by 1 point. I am not getting enough hours at work and for the first time since I moved Addi and I into our first home in August, I am scared that I won't be able to make ends meet this month. I have changed the way I eat completely and am trying to exercise regularly, in hopes to build more confidence and get back to my old self. Yet, I have seen little results.

And as I work on all of these things, I have been very prayerful and striving to be close to God. Do I feel like my prayers aren't being answered? Oddly enough, no. Even though I have not achieved things I thought I would by now and even though I am unsure how I will put the pieces together this month, I feel comfort and have complete faith that if I continue strive to be close with God, I just know that somehow, someway, my prayers will be answered and my reliance on faith will bring many blessings.

So as I start a new day and week tomorrow, I am going to continue the things I am doing, while improving on things I know I can do better. My faith is truly being tested but through these trials, I know I will become a stronger person and my prayers will be answered.

xoxo, Alex

Forgiveness

So today I witnessed something that I NEVER want to see in my future...

I was at the police station for work and a young mom and her 3 year old daughter were there waiting on an officer to fill out custody papers. Apparently, the mom and the dad meet at the city center to swap their little girl. If one doesn't show up, the other can go get a police report filled out so they have proof when fighting for custody. So, as they were waiting the little girl kept asking, "Mom, can we go?" The mom replied, "No, we are waiting for the officer." The little girl was confused, "No, we are waiting for my Daddy." The mom, who was obviously bitter, did not even try to hide the negativity and said, "No, your dad didn't show up again. he never does." The little girl is only 3 years old but even I could sense the disappointed in her eyes. I was sad for her.

Watching this happen made me think of my situation. I sometimes worry that Addi will already have issues since her mom and dad aren't married. There is not a chance that I will EVER let her hear me talk negatively about her dad. Honestly, there has been times where I was hurt or frustrated but for Addi, especially since we aren't together as a family, I need her to only feel love from both sides. Just like any other mom, I will do my best to protect her from ANY kind of harm or sadness. I hope those battles will be aimed towards a few broken hearts from boys or silly fights with her friends.... not from me or her dad.

This little girl touched my heart today. I saw a glimpse of what Addi's future could be if I don't learn to forgive. I have been through a lot and at times, my heart still feels heavy. But for Addi, i will continue to work on forgiveness. Nothing in this world would break my heart more if I saw Addi's breaking.

Faith

{Matthew 9: 22} ...Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.

I have come to realize that I can't do this thing we call life on my own. I am learning to rely a lot on God, through the good and the bad. I would not consider myself religious but I am very spiritual. When I need comfort or answers, I turn to prayer or scripture, being the Bible and the Book of Mormon. I also have felt blessed as I have paid tithing but as times get hard, putting a check in an envelope for tithing, knowing that the amount could pay a bill or two, can be trying at times. This morning was one of those times where I was feeling anxious about things so I decided to read some scriptures and say a prayer for inspiration and/or comfort.

Since I graduated, I have had a hard time finding work. I have had part time jobs but nothing full time. I have been able to make ends meet but since I just lost one of my part time jobs, I am getting a little bit nervous. I recently applied for 2 jobs that would really job start my career and would allow me to support myself and my daughter. The applications have been turned in so now it is just a waiting game. With this economy, I know there is a lot of competition for jobs and I guess you can say, I am not feeling very confident. I do feel very qualified, maybe overly qualified, but with politics and other factors, I know that doesn't always mean anything.

As feelings of anxiousness consumed me this morning, I opened up my scriptures, in hopes of inspiration. I was just skimming pages, reading highlighted lines. I opened it up to Matthew 9:25 and read, "...Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole." I read that over a few times and started skimming other pages. I happened to turn to the Book of Mormon next.

{Ether 12:6} And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of faith.

I was inspired. I was comforted. I need to have more faith in situations and know that if I am relying on God full heartedly, things will work out the way they are supposed to.

xoxo, Alex