Today, I grabbed what I thought was a blank journal to write in but what I grabbed was a journal I had started in 2009. It only has a few entries in it... written by a sad, confused, lonely girl who was so unsure of herself and her future and was in a relationship that was tearing her to pieces. Apart of me was embarrassed...for myself. That was who I was! A part of me wanted to burn those pages. All I could think of was, "How sad and pathetic." But than I came across a paragraph and I realized, this was who I was, who created who I am and I couldn't be more happy or more comfortable in my skin.
April 1, 2009 3:10am {37 days before Addilyn was born}
'I have feared being a single mom this entire pregnancy but I think it is about time I grasp reality and start planning for that. Babygirl, if you ever read this, please know that no matter what, you will always be my #1 and everything. If things don't workout for your father and I, please know I fought with all my might, heart and soul to keep our family together. Know that even before you were here with me that I put you first, before every decision I made. I seriously can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. I promise you I will always strive to be the best mommy I can be for you. And I promise, we will always be happy and I will do everything in my power to protect you from harm and heartache. I will be your best friend and I will never leave your side. Mommy loves you.'
{Tear jerker}
April 4, 2009 2:50am {33 days before Addilyn was born}
'I hate this method of falling and getting back up again and again but I know someday I will be up and looking back and these days of 'falling' and know it made me stronger.'
{And that, it did}
And to think, that was a YEAR before I finally built the courage to let go of those fears of being a single mom and move on from her father. Those were the hardest days of my life. I was so unhappy. I was clinging onto hope. My daughter was all I had. She was my inspiration. She gave me the strength to do the things I was so fearful to do. She continues to motivate me to do better.... BE BETTER! God knew I needed her. He sent her to me save me. She is my angel.
xoxo, Alex
